Robberies

A few nights ago we had a prowler in the neighborhood. He opened our back gate, walked across the yard and checked out the contents one of our sheds. My family and I couldn't help but laugh at the sure disappointment this character must have felt upon exiting our property; It must have been far more trouble than it's worth. To start with, our back gate sticks horribly. I've lived here for over 10 years, and still haven't mastered the art of being able to smoothly open that thing. Step 1 is fairly simple; lift the latch. Then, you have to shake the gate, followed by two or three good jerks, all the while avoiding the spider webs that tend to build up between the boards and hoping no 8 legged creatures happen to walk up your arm in the process. After this, the gate is now loose enough for you to fully open, and if you are skinny enough, simply squeeze through. If you don't happen to have the build of a stick figure, you must give the gate one more good jerk to pull it over the railroad tie that sticks up from the ground just enough to hinder easy opening. Finally, you're in. BUT, that's not all. To successfully cross the yard, daylight is preferable. Unfortunately for this person, that wasn't an option at the time of their visit. Therefore there is a very good chance that they stepped in the landmines left by our two dogs, and quite possibly tripped in a pot-hole or two. I can almost hear the guy grumbling in his head... "Ok there had BETTER be something good around here to make up for this!" After all this, he finally gets to the other end of the yard to claim his stolen treasure. With great anticipation he pulls open the doors of a plastic storage shed and finds his reward... With age, comes value, and what he finds does have age. Unfortunately old rusty garden tools seem to lack the value that an old heirloom watch or necklace might possess. Alas, all that trouble for nothing!

At least whoever it was stayed to the back yard and didn't attempt to get into the house. If somebody ever breaks into my house, my full intention is to sneak into the kitchen, grab that spiky mallet known as a meat tenderizer and...well I think you get my drift. Tenderize the meat and then call the cops while he's down. Maybe get my brother in on it so there can be someone holding the dude at gun point, too. Sure, it might just be my dad's bb gun, but in the dark, who's gonna know? I know I sure wouldn't question the barrel of a gun if it were pointed at me.

The thing about robberies though is you can't exactly plan them down to every move, whether you're the robber or the victim. Something unexpected is bound to come at you. Perhaps a man in his underwear. "Lack of clothes makes hot pursuit a chilly ordeal", the newspaper headline read one morning. If I were the robber, I certainly would not have pictured my heist ending by being chased down the street at 5 in the morning by a man wearing nothing but boxer shorts.