Happiness? Check Yes.

I'm feeling rather caught up in some sort of mental euphoria. There's just this total high that I cannot begin to put into words. Its... amazing.

The thought of Camp Hope coming in a matter of days, sitting here listening to the list of happy fun songs that Bo and I are compiling on playlist.com... and at random times for no reason what so ever I keep having flashbacks of my favorite times from camp last summer. Or daydream fantasies of good times to come this next week at camp. Lol, I'm just all totally on an excited buzz here. I love this feeling! And every time I get to talk to you Camp Hopies on chat or facebook, that excitement just grows. I can't believe I've only got less than 5 days until I get to see you guys all in person again! AHH! Its gonna be so totally and completely awesome =D *laughs* its always good to have a reminder that you all actually do exist in the real world and aren't just figments of my imagination that live in my computer. lol.

Now back to the happy euphoric daydreams *grin*

Life in the Rose Garden

It's so ironic. Crazy ironic. And God's timing is just so funny that way.

The past two weeks I've off and on been like...ugh. Well, you know. And if you don't I guess you could see my previous posts. And then I go and read Bo's blog and he happens to be talking about how he's come to the realization that totally going off and complaining actually leads into sin. Then today I'm at church and the whole sermon was about contentment, and Bo's exact point was mentioned in the sermon. I was just like "whoa! Dejavu!" ...or however in the world you spell that *laughs*. But I guess through it I'm learning.

Roll with the punches, take all the trash life's tornadoes hurl in your direction, and the hard part? Keeping in mind God will help you make it through. Remembering that He will give you what you need to survive, and keeping in mind that all the rest are mercies and gifts. Not sitting there and complaining continually about the tough spots in life, but learning to look past them and be content despite it all. Oh, it is so much easier said than done.

Although I've known in the back of my mind for I'm sure quite a while, the fact just struck me today that being content does not nesessarily mean being happy. Sure, we all say we're content when we're feeling good and perfectly fine. But when things go wrong? It's still possible. And being content doesn't mean going around with a big fake smile forcing yourself to be happy when you're feeling down. Which to be honest, is quite often what I do around most people, and as Lucy pointed out to me, it maybe isn't the best thing to continually do. It's a hard habbit to break :-/

But as for my previous posts... yes occasionally stupid doubts keep attacking my head at times, but I'm working hard trying to push them away and not let them costantly eat at me. You guys are absolutely the most amazing friends ever, and I thank you much for your encourragement and for being there for me =)

Life is like a bed of roses: beautiful, but the thorns will poke. But with God on my side and the wonderful friends He's allowed me to know, the wounds and scratches of the thorns aren't nearly as bad as they could be.

Better Get The Super-Glue

Trust. Takes ages to build it up and seconds to smash it into bits.

I honestly don't know what to think *shakes head* . It seems like we're friends, and then communications cut off and I'm pushed off and seemingly forgotten. Yet, I'm told by the person's own siblings that they'd never purposefully do that. That they'd never intentionally cut me off. So now the question stands in the same spot it's been in for months: "are we really friends?"

How am I to know... when my trust and belief of people is shattered? When they're the very one who caused this all in the first place. When I'm constantly in my head questioning everyone's true thoughts and intentions.


Why can't I learn to trust again?

That piece inside me is broken. The glue and duct tape keep falling off and parts are missing. Will I ever find them? Can I ever be put back together?

I hate this.

And we tell this to the kids? Hmm.

So my brother and I were talking a couple nights ago and ended up pondering the origins of a certain lulaby.

Perhaps the mother was angry and took her agression out in writing. You know, maybe she had a baby like how my mom said I was-- a loud obnoxious non-stop screamer. Ok, so that's not how mom put it, but from the descriptions I've heard, thats how I would describe my baby-self. lol anyway... really, it would make sense. Have you ever thought about what a violent little poem it is that mothers sing to their babies to get them to sleep?

"Rock a bye baby, in the tree top, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all."

"Why the heck would she put her kid up in a tree during a wind storm anyway!? It seems pretty homocidal." Nathaniel declared. Really... it kinda is when ya think about it... Although they didn't specify if the kid lived or not. But I duno, seems kinda unlikely, but I suppose it depends upon the height of the tree and if the cradle landed on the baby wrong.

Then from lulabys we got onto fairy tales and children's bedtime stories... ah yes, those famed tales of cross dressing, killing, witchcraft, and canibalism. "...And then the wood cutter comes in and shoots the wolf up with his axe!" Nathaniel stated. Whoa, wait, what?? SHOOTS with his axe? hahaha. Now that I gotta see. But mom and I both heard the words strait from his mouth, so I'm sorry, but no denying it, little brother ;-)

Yeah, Nathaniel and I get on some interesting topics at night. Or at mealtimes too for that matter. But I suppose the exploits of butter-knife homocide are for another post, huh? LOL. Yesssssssssss..... my brother and I do tend to have rather twisted senses of humor at times. Heh, oh well. We have fun =)

It's not the lies that you say//but what the silence will scream

I wish this wound could heal. I wish my mind would stop picking the scab and reminding me of the pain. Stop reminding me of the fact there is a scar there that may never heal.

I wish I could let go. I thought that I had. It happened so long ago. But some how, some way, weather it be in a song or a sudden memory that pops into mind, I end up getting stabbed. Over and over. Again and again. It it ever going to end?

And because if it I'm forever suspicious of everybody. Just because I've been lied to and abandond by one person doesn't mean that all my friends are that way. But it's so much easier said than truly believed for me anymore. I hate how in the back of my mind now I'm always questioning the true loyalty of my friends. Even my very closest ones.

Rip me open and stitch me shut
The case is closed, the wound may one day heal
But the scars go too deep, they'll last a lifetime
Forever effecting the way I feel

Can I trust you or will you rip me open and leave me scarred too?

If you gots the poison, I gots the remedy

Hanging out late on the 4th 'o July
Watchin' all the fireworks explode in the sky
And ya wonder: is there something I missed?
And ya know that, there's more to it than this

Cause freedom ain't free, everything's got a price
There's more to this day than all the pretty lights
All the people, who gave their lives
So many years ago so we could enjoy certain rights
Freedom of speech to spread our Christian sights

Yeah a Christian nation we were born to be
Now the government wants to take it away from me
No prayer in schools, butcha get to shout profanities
And I wonder: how did it come to this?
Once a Christian nation, but now refuse to be His

Gotta turn this, dirty thing around
If our forefathers were here they'd fall to the ground
Cause freedom ain't free, everything's got a price
So celebrate, appreciate, don't give up your rights